Teenager

NOTE: Quite the late publishing, but I felt compelled to share. JR

Kendra Marie,

I've often told you when you need a sign, an answer, God will send you the unlikeliest of messengers to deliver that one word of wisdom that will trigger an epiphany.

When I needed it the most, He sent me you.

I was once just another steel worker, counting the overtime hours and calculating the extra money each and every week. Life had a steady rhythm that I was somehow content with, despite this nagging sense that something wasn't right. I needed a voice to put that into perspective and that voice came from you.

You were four. Like most little ones, you were up bright and early on the weekends. I rolled in one Saturday morning after a midnight shift. You were leaning against the ottoman, watching the Disney channel. Your hair in your face, your thumb in your mouth.
I knelt beside you and hugged you to me and asked you what you were doing just to hear your voice.

Your tiny voice said "Hi Daddy, you came to visit?"

You changed my life from that point on. That nagging sense that something wasn't right became a clear picture of what I was doing wrong. Those little words sparked a slow burning fire that gave me enough courage to look for something more.

Years later, in Connecticut, miles and years away from our life in Pennsylvania, you came from school, a sad look on your pretty face. When we talked, you tried so hard to spare my feelings but I coaxed the answer out of you.

"We have to write about what our parents do for work. Can I just say my dad is a writer?"

That was the day you threw much needed fuel onto those dying embers of wanting to be something more and I made it my mission. I still remember like it was yesterday when I told you "You can say your dad is a fluids logistics designer, or a submarine systems draftsman, or simply a draftsman."
You smiled the entire time you were writing about what your dad does for work and you must know that to see how proud you were, meant more to me than I could possible ever describe.

Kendra, you have been the strongest wind in my sails. You've been one terrific motivator and you don't even know just how much you've inspired me to be more. I knew from the moment I held you, thirteen years ago, I'd do anything for you, I'd be anything for you.

You changed my life without even knowing it, and you'll always be my hero for that. So now that you are entering this next phase, know that you never once walk alone. I am with you at every step and I will give you any answer you seek and if somehow my years of experience fail me to answer you, I'll find that answer with you.

I can proudly say that one of my very best friends is now a teenager. Welcome to your teens, my Kendra Marie. It's a blessing to be part of your life, to walk along with you, to see you grow into such a lovely young lady. You've made it a joy to be a father and I am blessed to have you in my life as my daughter, as my hero, my best friend and my motivation. I love you, kiddo.

Happy 13th Birthday babygirl.

Dad

(Letter written back in January of 2014)

Dear Girls,

   Since coming to Connecticut, I expected a period of adjustment, perhaps some trips and falls as we carved a home out of this New England coast.
   Shame on me for underestimating you both. You haven't merely adapted to your new surroundings, you are thriving, surpassing my every expectation, and I couldn't feel prouder as a father.
   It's in the way your new friends look at you. It's in the high marks you've attained throughout your first school year in your new school. It's inspiring, so much so that here I am, alone in a classroom at Porter and Chester Institute determined to become an example, and perhaps an inspiration, to you both.
   I do feel like a hypocrite for only now, at 39, realizing what education really means in our lives.
   In life, we get one chance to get up every day during three seasons, learn to get ready in a way to present ourselves the best way possible. We end up at a desk, biting more than a few pencils along the way, and when I was your age, I didn't realize what a privilege and how powerful a tool education really is.
   Yes, we push the reading, we push the math, we push good study habits, but now I know better than ever, why I'm pushing this on you.
   I've been lost for so long and curse my arrogance, I opted to take on a job and bring you forth to fulfill a role. In doing so, I've submitted you both to the consequences of my shortcomings and poor decisions.
   I might have drowned in a sea of guilt were  it not for the fact that the light finally came on, and with Mommy's support, I went back to the desk, to the pencil biting, only with a new appreciation of what lies on the other side of hard work, sacrifice, and the never ending drive to improve every taught skill.
   I have a chance to change our lives. I have a chance to be someone, someone you can proudly regard as a father, a husband, a provider, a man.
   Girls, it's not always easy to be in school. Sometimes, our minds just don't coincide with the demands of the subjects to study, but I beg you, don't do what I did and reject the idea of a college education for the poorly conceived ideal of a degree in the school of life, a title bestowed from the institute of hard knocks.
   Try to always keep in mind that each book you read, each math challenge you solve, each date you have to remember, are the foundation whereupon you will build your futures.
   Never settle for a dank basement where regret is the only lighting filtering through dirty windows. Raise your walls and fill them with large windows so light can touch you at every turn. Reach beyond the simplicity of existence, and draw strength and determination from the passage of time.
   Learn to love to study, to learn, to know, because on the other side of all these years of hard work ahead of you is the promise of a brighter future where you, my dear girls, will earn the right to be regarded as Somebody.
   Whatever your lives will be, whatever you will do in your lives, starts now.
   Perhaps my belated enlightenment is unnecessary, considering your ages and the voracious appetite you have for learning. Perhaps my musings are born of my own self-recriminations, but if you take anything away from this, let it be that education is your armor, your shield and your best weapon to thrive in this ever changing world where challenges become more daunting.
   Education is a bridge to happiness. It's the most solid stepping stone into a life where YOU are in charge of your own destiny, never subjected to the whims of greedy, unscrupulous minds who seek profit at the expense of others.
   Heed the words from a man who's grateful to have one more chance at being Somebody.

   Dad.

10

Ten years ago, I became a father. More importantly, I became a father to this tiny, little peanut with a full head of dark black hair and studious hazel eyes that made me melt from the first moment they opened.
 
Kendra Marie, your first decade unfolds in my mind as some of the best years of my life. Although I'm happily impressed and beyond proud of your growth and all you've achieved thus far, I will shed a few tears for that little bundle that grew before my very eyes and turned into this willowy vision of beauty and unabashed joy I never anticipated.
 
I was a mess through most of your first year. I worried sick about every little thing that might get in your way. I read so many parenting articles, and loved being able to get you anything I even thought you needed. For all my worrying, you were never a risk taker. In fact, most of time I held you close to me, you stared at me while sucking your little thumb into a prune until you fell asleep. You laughed most of time you were awake.
 

You discovered TV early on and through your first three years, Jojo and Goliath and Dora the Explorer were your passion. They were soon replaced by the Wiggles and Barney, and although I couldn't stand the little songs, oh how I loved to watch you enjoy them.
 
You said very little, but never missed anything. Mommy taught you the love of singing and dancing and music became a huge part of your life.
 
I hoped to help you discover the love of books, and soon I'd read Dr. Seuss to you every night I could.
 
You were a fun little toddler. Never too much of a fuzz unless there was a good reason. Mischief wasn't a part of your personality although when you did, it was epic.
 
Before pre-school, you became a big sister. I never would've expected the way you loved your little sister. You've been patient, nurturing, and often come down to Amber's level just to keep her happy. You are the best big sister a kid can have.
 
I could go on and on telling you stories of your first days in school, your summers in the pool, the way you simply asked to have your training wheels removed, the many pieces of art work you created, the crafts you messed the house with, and more than anything, your incomparable

 sense of humor, your joy and love of laughter, the gift of your voice, and your humble attitude, your understanding, your compassion, your penchant for favoring the underdog and for carrying yourself with such natural elegance only to make a goofy face, as though reminding everyone around you never to take life so seriously.
 
You've made being a father easier than I ever expected.
 
You're bright and inquisitive, but never reckless.
 
You cheer those around you and put everyone you care about before you without hesitation.
 
You're intelligent and pretty without letting it go to your head.
 
You've grown into a lovely girl and it's a bit of a shock to find you at the grownups table more and more.
 
Somehow, with a steady diet of nothing but pasta and bread, you've grown so tall and that serious, studious attitude you displayed as a toddler has carried through the years, making me think you're older than your years in mind and spirit.
 
But you're ten years old today.
 
Ten.
 
When I hear you sing, when I see you smile, when I see your friends greet you with a warm embrace, when I hear you chatter about your day, when I know you dream, my heart swells with a unique kind of pride I've never felt over anything in my life.
 
The next ten years of your life will be years of growth. You will slowly find the kind of person you want to be, and I thank God for granting me the chance of walking next to you as you advance down the road of life.
 
What an adventure you've been, my little girl. You've taught me as much as I ever hoped to teach you, and I will always guard and defend our relationship as father and daughter though forever relishing our friendship.
 
Happy birthday, my Kendra Marie. When it comes to express what it means to me to be your father, mere words fail me in every known language.
 
But suffice to say that as I look through the pictures that tell the story of the little baby that transformed into the girl before me today, my eyes fill with tears of unnamed emotions that restore my faith in the universe itself. You are my validation, my motivation, the source of my strength, and I love you like no parent has ever loved a child.

Dad

  

A Lesson in Courage

Dear Amber,

   I could not get the image of you falling off your bicycle out of my head. All I could think of as I raged my carelessness is how I could have reached out in time to keep you from falling down into the woods. I'd cut down every single sapling and tree and clear the entire lot if it could make the scrapes on your arm disappear.

   Somehow I kept from sobbing as I cleaned your wound and I can't get your cries out of my mind. I thought, "she was doing so well and now I won't blame her if she won't ride her bike again."

   I reluctantly agreed to taking off the training wheels but you shocked me when you kept your balance and rode, a big triumphant grin upon your pretty little face. 

   How quickly fortune can change...

   The following morning, I checked on you, changed your dressing and we looked at your booboo. You stared with mild fascination while I was dying inside and yet, despite the pain, the sting of the peroxide, the discomfort of the gauze pad stuck to the blood from the seeping wound, you asked when you could ride again.

   I was stunned.

   Horrified.

   Immeasurably proud.

   Sometimes, important lessons are delivered by the smallest among us. Courage comes in many forms and none ever strikes me as deeply as when I see it in your determined little grin.

   Had you told me you'd never ride a bike again, I would've acquiesced without a fight. But instead, you taught me a lesson in courage.

   In life we fall and suffer some bloody wound and at times, we allow the pain to paralyze us. 
  Despite your age, you're becoming one of the strongest persons I'll ever know and I can't thank you enough for what you teach me. You've brought much laughter to my soul. Your resilience has been nothing short of inspiring through everything we've faced through this past year. I thank you, my little girl, for this lesson in courage, for teaching me to look past the fall and ahead to improving. I can only pray you learn from me as much as I'm learning from you, my little Amber.

   Love you always,

   Dad.

6th Birthday

   Feb 13, 2013
   
   Amber Gabrielle, my little Ambina,

   Much of the little girl you'll always be to me, remains in that one-of-a-kind grin. The glow from your smile is a beacon that sets my compass where it needs to be regardless of storms.
   My writer's mind will run away as fast as you fly when I play the monster, growling behind you in my attempts to tickle you. The little squeals along with your giggles mark the soundtrack to the best parts of my life, the most animated ones, and the most endearing ones.
   You're still a ball of lightning, your own storm system, merciless and devastating when you don't get your way. And yet, docile, noble, and sweet when everything is one with your world.
   I wish I could claim I'm the source of your unparalleled strength.  I'd love to be the one whose willfulness you inherited. In six short years, you are so much of your own person, Mommy and I ceased to wonder what we did to end up with you in our arms, and question what's in store for us as the years come and go.
   The February that brought you to us was not so dissimilar from today's. It was a stormy Valentines' eve when I rushed Mommy up to the hospital, and you showed the lack of patience that's made you famous even then. You wouldn't wait for Valentine's Day, asserting the fact that you will do everything your own way, surpassing only the high expectations you set upon yourself. 
   You inherit your good looks from your mom, but your eyes are the same ones I see when I stare in the mirror, although yours glint with wonder, sparkle with mischief, and widen with curiosity as you gain new understanding of the world around you.
   Your pranks and sense of humor sometimes make me throw my hands up in the air, but there is no withholding the waves of laughter you so easily evoke. I'll make it a point right here to thank you for each time you made me tear up from laughing so much.

   You seldom fall victim to my teasing. Candy and chocolates don't stand a chance when you're around. You'll draw such joy out of a popsicle in the dead of winter, and Dr. McStuffins and the Octonauts rank high on your list. But given your one liners, straight out of Jesse, Shake It Up, and Austin and Ally, it's clear you're ready to leave a few things behind. Thanks to you, my iPod's been filled with Taylor Swift and your boyfriend's band, One Direction, whose lyrics you sing contentedly while wearing your Monster High headphones...
   This year, your smile got me through some of the darkest times we've had to face as a family, and reminded me that home is where I hear your little voice; where I sit to lay your head upon my chest so I can cradle you against me, lamenting how much you've grown; how you will go on growing, in size, smarts, and strength, into the big girl you long to be; the strongest little girl I've ever known. 
   
   Happy Birthday Babygirl.

   Love,
   Dad

Tighter...

   Kendra and Amber,

   Today, I held each of you tighter than I've ever held you before.  I kept your heads tucked against my chest and I couldn't utter a word.  
   And you asked me why...
   You asked what was wrong...
   One day I'll tell you about today, but not at this moment.  
   I couldn't tell you that I feel shattered.  I couldn't tell you that my mind keeps painting horrid images of what those last moments might have been in that school.  I couldn't tell you that my heart is  torn to pieces for the parents who'll never hold their kids again in a sleepy little town; a town whose main claim to fame, had been the beautiful giant flagpole on Main Street until today.  
   I couldn't tell you about today...
   Today, I'll tell you that twenty-six candles will burn through the night.  Each one silently telling the story of the souls they represent with their flickering flame; twenty beautiful kids and six heroic women...  
   I ask myself, where did we go so wrong that now we send our kids to school like we send men to war, hoping and praying they return unharmed, but somehow accepting we'll lose some along the way?
   Holding you tight in my arms is the only moment I'll be at peace.  That's why I'll hold you tighter today...and every day, while telling you how much I love you, how happy I am to watch you grow, even as bitter tears consume me at the thought of what happened today, so close to home.

   Dad

originally written on Dec 14


   
     

Thankful Every Day

  Dear Kendra and Amber,

  Today is Thanksgiving Day.  We will gather around the table, surrounded by family, enjoying the togetherness and warmth I've always wanted for you.  But I don't need a special day to thank you both for how incredible you've made my life.
 We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving where I come from, but we never lost sight of what was truly important.  I can't speak for everyone else, of course.  But I know what it was like to go without water or bread for days.  I know what it was like to clean and shine  old shoes because new ones were out of reach.  I know what it was like to walk into a toy shop, and leave empty handed.

  Although these paint a bleak picture, and were not enjoyable in the least, it did teach me to appreciate what I had, and work hard for what I didn't.  It's easy to fall into the illusion that we can have anything we want; that we should have everything we want.  
  When adulthood pulls the blinders off, you look around and see children have no food, and many people have lost everything, and you wonder how you could've been so blind?  You quickly realize that the term "good life" is one of the most relative concepts in existence.
   But why am I telling you all this?
  When I asked you what's your favorite toy, neither of you had an answer.  At first I was happy you couldn't choose.  It told me that you are two lucky kids who have a lot of toys.  Later, it made me sad that you were unable to deem one of those special.  
   Taking things for granted is an enduring human trait.  It's fairly impossible not to do it, especially in times of plenty.
   I'd love to take that old school stand and teach you certain lessons, but I'm far too in love with your smiles.  I may be wrong in doing my best to spoil you. I may be wrong in doing all I can to shelter you from harsh realities.  I may be wrong in thinking you're too little to have a bitter taste of life.  I may be wrong...
   So I'll say this:
  Kendra and Amber, be thankful for what you have.  Be thankful for each today that grants you the opportunity to make a better tomorrow.  Be thankful for the advice of friends.  Be thankful for the love of family.  Be thankful to have each other, for your laughter, for your soft bed, and more than anything, be thankful for your health.
  Be thankful for the chance to dream, and for living in a land where you can make those dreams happen, not just today, but every day.
  Be thankful that your childhood is an eye of the hurricane life can be, and know that no one can enjoy its safety forever.  Grow strong so when you reach the high winds, you know how to stand and what to hold onto. 
 Today is Thanksgiving Day.  We will gather around the table, surrounded by family, enjoying the togetherness and warmth I've always wanted for you.  But I don't need a special day to say thanks.  
   I'm most thankful for each second I get to spend with my little girls, for you inspire me to write wise advice I vow to follow.

   
   Dad